Doesn't it seem like there is a new reason to feel sad each day? One of your friends is planning a baby shower, sending out pregnancy announcements, or having a newly popular gender reveal party.

We're right in the time frame where we would have been finding out if we were having a boy or a girl. In a lot of ways it is easier to not know. On the other hand, it would be easier to grieve if we had more. The not knowing is the hardest part some days.

Each milestone that we were supposed to have. Each moment we will never have.

It has been extremely difficult trying to deal with losing something you never really had. How do you remember your child when the only thing you had of them was a few positive pregnancy tests? I still haven't been able to throw those away.. they're all sitting under my sink.

It becoming harder for me to sit around and act normal around people. Someone will say something about, "Once you have kids....." or "What are you going to do about...when you have kids?" All I want to do is yell at them about how I did have a baby. I loved it more than is even reasonable. I never got to hold it, but I loved and cared about my baby. I got a small sliver of what true happiness feels like. And then it was gone.

It's so important to not take any of this anger and pain out on your significant other. Men feel this pain and loss just as strongly as women do. Yet they have to act like nothing happened and go back to life like it's all fine.

My sweet husband has been so strong and steady for me. But once in a while I'll catch a small glimpse of his pain. He hides it so well, and my heart breaks for him.

When You Lose Something, You See it Everywhere

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."
- Thomas Campbell

I've put this to the side for a little while. I've written parts of a couple different posts, but haven't been able to finish them.

One thing that I've found myself doing since losing my baby is combing through other people's experiences and thoughts. There are stories and quotes everywhere. It helps for a little while, but then I go right back to being in my own little depressed world.

The quote at the top rings true on a few levels, I think about my baby EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And by the way. Is it just me, or does every TV show, movie, book, commercial, person in line in front of you at the grocery store, and radio show have to do with babies? I mean, come on.

In the weeks after we lost our baby, DH and I spent a lot of time watching TV and pretending life didn't exist. Yet, even the most random shows, that up to that point had no story line going in any direction 500 miles near a baby, had three pregnant women, a miscarriage or two, and lots of happy couples with successful pregnancies. It hasn't changed. I've started reading a lot more to try and get away, and every random book I've downloaded has had some sort of pregnancy. Why? As if I wasn't in enough pain, now all of my outlets have been shoving my pain back in my face.

My child will never leave me. Ever. Even though I never got to hold my baby, I had more love for my child than I can explain.

I'm sitting here watching Overboard while I type. One of my favorite movies. Thought I would throw that in.

I digress.

The loss is everywhere. No matter what anyone says, I haven't found it to get better. I know that I'm still early in all of this, it's only been a couple of months, but I am just as heartbroken as I was the day I found out. I don't believe that will ever change, and I'm not sure that it ever should.

Finding Meaning in Words and Life in the Face of Loss

The name of this blog is based off of a saying that I found in Gaelic.

Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine. Under the Shelter of Each Other, People Survive.

To me there is so much meaning in these few words. Where would we be without others? Sometimes things would be better without them, and other times we couldn't make it without those around us.

One huge example of this happened recently for my husband and I. Which is the main reason I wanted to start this. People need help, and who else is there besides us to give it?

We had been trying for over a year and a half to get pregnant. I know this isn't long for some, and for others this seems like a lifetime. I spent the whole time watching those around me get pregnant with seemingly little effort. I mean, what does it take? Sex = Babies. Kids are getting pregnant every single day. Women are having abortions or taking the Morning After Pill. Children are without homes. Seriously, this is one of the most basic of human abilities, why can I not do this?

Finally, after all of the tests, appointments and heartbreak each time my cycle started, we had a positive home pregnancy test on February 28th, 2016. Okay... to be perfectly honest, when I say "a positive home pregnancy test" I really mean that I took the first one, we didn't believe this could be real, went on to take the other three tests that I had at home, went to Walgreens, realized their tests were insanely expensive, went to WalMart, bought three more, and proceeded to take those as well.

Seven. We went through seven home pregnancy tests telling us that I was pregnant before we finally started to let it sink in.

Pregnant. A word that can bring hope and happiness to some, anger and sadness to others, and fear to most.

How were we supposed to know that we only had a couple of days to be happy? A couple of days before it all fell in on us.

How were we supposed to prepare for two weeks and one day later (March 14), when I would get a shot of methotrexate to end my pregnancy? The pregnancy that we had prayed for and feared would never be a reality. The pregnancy that if I didn't end, it would end mine and my child's life.

Part of this will be about those who helped me along the way. Part of it will be about those who made this worse than it ever should have been.